My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years and we have argued about so many things I have lost track. In fact I stopped keeping track because it is important to leave the past in the past. Just before our third wedding anniversary the anger and verbal conflict nearly tore our lives apart. The two of us choose to sit down and learn how to cultivate healthy ways to handle our problems.

It might be fun to share the blow by blow accounts of how my husband and I learned to have a fair respectful argument, but that would be way to much drama for me to feel comfortable sharing. Between our third wedding anniversary and our fourth we learned how to keep a conflict on-point, decoding issues, “I” messages, and livable resolutions. No two people ever think or feel just the same way, but if you work together to make healthy arguing a corner stone of all of the important relationships, there will be more great days ahead.

On-Point 1 to 10

The on-point method for problem solving lays down rules, that if followed can set up clear communication and focus the attention of the people involved to the issue at hand. People are always more important than any issue that could ever come up. Be sure that all of the people who will take part in solving a issue will be present with undivided attention. Save the TV, radio, video games, books, and computer for another time. Sitting in a kitchen or a living room where there are no distractions is the best. Clearly a on-point meeting should not take place over any meal. Here are the ten rules and the reasons for them.

1.Stick To The Topic

In many heated conversations the topic can become sidetracked because the people get caught up in smaller issues only partly related to the original problem, or try to work out to many core problems in one sitting. When this happens the original problem does not get solved. A reminder to stay on topic or a list of other side issues should be kept where everyone can add items to it for later talks.

2. Band Cross-Complaining

Cross-Complaining happens when you answer a complaint with another complaint. Even if the new issue is important and valid this will not help keep things moving. (These are the issues for the list you’ll make together.) If you stay centered on the job of solving one problem at a time then your behavior should not be a problem to deal with later. If your both calm and ready to work on the problem as it stands and not let emotions cloud the issue, your ready to talk things out.

3. “I” Messages

When complaints are made on the topic at hand they should be stated as “I” messages. Say what you think and feel and believe honestly. Speaking for ones self is important in any conversation, but even more so if the topic is the cause of conflict. Keep your eyes open for more on “I” messages!

4. NO Interrupting

Each person need to have a chance to state their side of the problem. Everyone gets a chance to talk but wait until a though or idea is out to take your turn. When people talking about important issues get cut off they feel that their point is not openly valued. Waiting for the slightest pause can be harmful too, every rebuttal is important, but none warrant being rude in an argument. This rule could also be called the listening rule because you need to listen to what people are saying and why they have said it.

5. NO Zapping

When problem solving Zapping can be defined as responses which “put down” or insult the other person. Name calling and sarcastic remarks, and also blaming are all forms of Zapping. If you work on hurting the feeling of the people with whom you do not agree your not working on the problem you set out to solve and your to emotionally involved to seek out a good solution. If you feel the need to Zapp or a Zapping outburst is made the session need to end so that everyone involved can calm down. There are times when a comment that was not spoken as a zap can be taken that way. In this case respecting the person who feels Zapped is the best choice. I suggest that the best solution is to plan on 5 or 10 minutes breaks if Zapping happens. If you need to make up another term for Zapping be sure that both understand what that term stands for. In our house Zapping is Trashing for example. If we start Trashing each other we must have a break. Online that kind of comment get called Flaming or Spamming. In any case it is best not to say hurtful things.

6. Leave The Past In The Past

The most command mistake in conflict solving is bringing up the past. In families things that happened to us that may have been issue in the past. If you bring up a misdeed from the past it has the effect of shifting your current discussion away from solving the problem. If bring up the past happens in a conflict solving meeting it will most likely lead to an argument off of the topic at hand.

7. Positive Body Language Counts

If you feel calm and relaxed it will show in how you carry yourself. When the way you sit and speak does not match your words the people your speaking to are less likely to trust that you believe what your saying. Your body language has an affect on how people listen to your words. Sometimes we do not intend for the way we are sitting or carrying ourselves to come across as a part of the message and that changes the way people respond to us. Other times we do this intentionally and we expect others to pick up on it. If you have an agenda trust the people your problem solving to understand what your saying. If your body language is relaxed or even just calm your word will mean more.

8.DO NOT READ MINDS

This is a dangerous risk for anyone to take. If you rely on the person your problem solving with to read your mind, and understand you feeling you will more than likely misread and in the worst cases not even noticed. Long term relationships have the highest risk of this rule being broken. No matter how well you know each other each of you must speak up for their own opinion. Each member of the household must take responsibility for their own ideas.

9. Understand Each Other’s Comments

When people do not agree it is very important for them to know that the person they are working through and issue with is understanding them. Each pair of individuals should make rules about understanding comments and agreeing not to let emotions cloud ideas. Understanding assures each person a chance to feel their ideas were respected. Remember respecting an idea does not mean you agree with it, but it reminds the person whit whom you disagree that you respect them.

10. Fight Fair

In order to solve any problem fairness is required. Both people must be fair to solve problems If you can start a on-point meeting and follow the rules together, you can solve problems. It is much better to end a meeting that has brought out an emotional response in one or both of the members, and get together again at another time, when you can solve the problem at hand and not create a new problem. If the rules are not followed you’ll find yourself working the same issue more times than the one it should take.

Decoding Issues

Normal everyday life has a way of bringing up situations that people do not agree about. Knowing what bothers you is a great way to understand what bothers the people you care about. If something make you or your partner angry, it can be an issue. The easiest issues to spot are the one that cause a disagreement between to members of a relationship or a family unit. Keep a keen look out for problems with time management, money, childrearing, and expectations. Do not seek out conflicts to solve, instead work to establish peace in you home and in your life. If you have an issue that must be resolved work through it together.

If an issue from the past comes up again set a time to talk about it later so that you do not have do hold a conflict resolution meeting to handle the issue again. Find a comfortable place and review the positives and progress made in handling the issue. Continuing to work towards compromise can make a solution you have both agreed on even stronger too.

“I” Messages

When we speak the best way to take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions, is to be clear about the fact that we are speaking for ourselves. If you have ever had a verbal fight with someone who tries to speak for you then you know how angry it can make you feel to hear, “You are just Lazy.” or “You do not care how I feel.”

Here are the rules for “I” messages. With the samples below please remember that you r not allowed to say the word “you”

Sample 1.
I feel ___________(describe your feeling) when ___________________(explain the event) and then I _________________(share your view of the event as it happened).

Sample 2.

I feel _____________(describe your feeling) when_____________________(description of what make your feelings an issue) and when I feel_______________(repeat your feeling) I __________________(description of your reaction).

Sample 3.

When ____________________(describe the troubling event) I get __________________________(your feelings) and then I __________________(reaction).

When you use an “I” message remember that your talking to a person you care about and their feeling are important too. These are powerful statements and saying them is easier than hearing them. If you hear an I message understand that the person speaking is responsible for their own feelings and you are not being blamed. Lets look at some of the myths of “I” messages and why using this method saves hurt feelings and future conflicts.

Myth

“I” messages will always bring immediate results.

Truth

The value of “I” messages is reduced by insisting on an immediate response.

Myth

A good communicator can always think of a good “I” message on the spur of the moment.

Truth

Sometimes the event does not need a three part response. Example, ”I feel sad when you do not save me a vanilla slice.” Sometimes the first two parts say enough to get you point across.

Sometimes if you try to use all three parts of the sample ideas you can insult the other person with whom you are trying to solve a problem. Remember NO Zapping! It is best if you use your own personal judgment.

Myth

“I” messages are the only correct way to confront a problem.

Truth

1. They are an additional method in our understanding of conflict.

2.They can help make non “I” messages more powerful.

Myth

If “I” messages are done correctly they will work.

Truth

There are no sure things in life, however, they should raise the odds a little. Speaking respectfully and calmly is truly a good move even if your upset of heartbroken.

Myth

“I” messages MAKE other people do what you want them to do or stop doing.

Truth

“I” messages can only help the speaker feel dignified, less threatened and less put down.

When using “I” messages to resolve a conflict be sure that both people working on an issue are grown up enough to handle the concept. If your both capable of making appropriate choices, and will do so when provided with good information. Willing and able to agree on a design for the command good because of the right information. If your both caring people who want to goon solving problem together for year to come ”I” messages can be a wonderful tool to help you make that happen.

Livable Resolutions

Conflict is such a normal part of daily life that it is surprising to me how few healthy conflict solutions are employed to deal with them. When you have found a healthy way to solve the issues before you and set rule that work in your relationship it becomes very important to agree on a livable resolution together. Be sure that this is something you can do at the time you agree to it. Ask, “How will we know this issue is resolved?”

Resolutions Tips

-Work out your solutions so that they do not generalize avoid terms like “you always” or “you never”.

-Keep the resolution on topic. You set out to solve one problem so you should end with one solution.

-Have problem solving meetings by appointment. Be sure that all the members of the conflict are ready to talk things out.

-The best solutions came out of meeting that last one hour or less.

-Use ”I” messages.

-Never try to solve a chronic problem when it is happening.

-Pay attention to words not behaviors. Look at body language, but ask the other person to tell you what they are feeling.

-Ask your friends and support network for thoughts and ideas well before you set out to solve the problem.

-After a problem has been solved it is in the past and you must not bring it up again.

Rules For A Healthy Argument

The purpose of a argument is to reach a solution not to strive for victory.

Arguments should have a appropriate time and place It is not right to take advantage of our opponents fatigue, embarrassment, or any other disadvantage.

Do NOT refuse to deal with an issue. If something is important enough to a member of your family, it is an issue worth seeking resolution for.

Remember that breaks are fine but you have to finish the meeting together or plan another time to do so.

State you issue in the form of a request not a demand. Make it as positive as possible.

If the argument is a question of fact, then it is your job to get the facts.

If the issue is a matter of opinion , you must recognize it as such and work towards a compromise.

Do NOT dig things up out of the past, work to resolve your issue in the here and now.

Do NOT make a speech. Share your issue and then let the other person respond.

NO NAME CALLING. No Zapping of any kind. No put downs or reminders of past put downs.

NO emotional blackmail. “If you truly love me, you would . . . . “ or “if you had any respect for my feelings you would not . . . . “

Be sure to speak about your issues about behaviors, not states of being.

Reach a livable solution in the set resolution meeting time.

Choosing to share your life with a partner and children is a wonderful way to enrich your life and knowing how to handle anger in healthy ways and seek positive conflict resolution can make your family life even better. There is no issue to big or too small, and you can work together to solve problems and make your home an even happier place for your family. Remember even though we have conflict in command, we can control if we want to handle it in a stressful manor or a healthy manor. I hope you learn to work past every issue that faces you and enjoy all of the beautiful days ahead.

Copywrited By Lariena Nokes-Moser 2005